Kaitlyn Raye

why am i so afraid of commitment?

i have known this forever. its just something about me. I hate getting too close, i hate committing to anything, i hate making decisions, i hate relationships.. but why? why the heck am i like this?

I can’t commit to anything. i live for spontaneous situations.. but if its planned, most of the time, i back out because i am, what.. lazy.. afraid? no thats stupid.. i hate plans and being “weighed down”. i guess i like to keep my options open. maybe thats why i had such a hard time with aby (other than hazing of course) and sigma (THEY DON’T HAZE). but they made me do that. they make me commit to things or i miss out. i miss opportunities..

and with people.. and relationships.. what am i afraid of.. Trust? maybe.. i feel like thats a lame excuse. because i do trust people. i mean, i trust myself more, but who doesn’t. i like to think that i keep my guard up.. but i don’t. not 100% of the time. I have been hurt by most of my friends in my past. but while thinking back, most of that was my fault. we start to get distant, so i end it. i “give up” because i am afraid of “getting hurt” or “being rejected” … maybe it has something to do with my dad, and how he “left” but i was like this before he did.. at least i think? but why do i do that? why don’t i ever try to fix it? why do i get so scared that someone is pushing me away that i start to push them away before they can? thats why i have never had a best friend or a boyfriend for more than a week (which doesn’t count). once again, i guess i hate being “weighed down” ? im fucking nuts. hahahaa.

i ruin things for myself. and as much as i have tried to change, i never will. i will always be like this. always afraid. because thats just who i am. hell, im not afraid to jump out of an airplane but i’m afraid of friendship and decisions.. (and spiders… and clowns..). they are apart of life.. what the hell is wrong with me? aye.